How NOT to Fall in Love

Once upon a time, there was a princess. One night, she went to a ball. As she descended the steps to the dance floor, the handsomest prince in all the land surged forward to greet her and take her hand for the first dance. As soon as he placed his hand on her back, she knew! He was the prince for her. They would dance tonight, marry tomorrow, and live happily ever after.... or would they?

Thanks to the movies and our girl-ish daydreams, we often approach dating with this attitude that the man of our dreams is simply going to come along some day, we'll meet, touch for the first time, and the rest will be history.

Perhaps this is why dating has become so unsuccessful in leading to successful marriages and has even become an endangered model for getting to know a prospective spouse.

Rather than the traditional dating and courtship that was once the only dating model, young people today have started to follow others, such as:

Hang out, Make out, Drop out

or

Date 'em til you Hate 'em

If people approach dating this way, what are their approaches and attitudes towards marriage going to be?

Did you know?

When kissing occurs, 

a chemical called Oxytocin 

(the same bonding chemical 

that forms an attachment 

between mother and baby) 

is released-especially in women, 

so that when the relationship is severed, 

there is an actual wound that takes place? 

Women who kiss around 

a lot have a harder time 

forming an attachment 

in each subsequent relationship, 

therefore making it hard 

for them to commit to a lasting 

relationship or even marriage. 

SO SAVE YOUR KISSES!

What is the purpose of dating?

Your ultimate goal is to spend eternity with Heavenly Father, and in His kingdom we will live as eternal families. So the ultimate goal of dating is to find an eternal companion you can make and keep temple covenants with. (taken from Dating FAQs).

Elder Oaks (and his granddaughter) taught the three P's of dating.

A date is:  Planned.  Paid for.  Paired off.

Can you see how this model of dating leads to better marriages than those other models and behaviors?

Look at it this way... according to The Family: A Proclamation to the World, a husband's role is to Preside, Provide, and Protect while the wife's role is to nurture. The three P's of dating prepare us for the three P's of marriage and family life!

Planned ....................... Preside

Paid for ....................... Provide

Paired off ..................... Protect

Let's not just pick on the guys, though. What about us women?

It is our divine role to nurture, so how can dating prepare us to fulfill that role?

Elder Scott said, "[Women] should be developing the sacred qualities that God has given His daughters to excel as a wife and mother: patience, kindliness, a love of children, and a desire to care for them rather than seeking professional pursuits. [They] should be acquiring a good education to prepare for the demands of motherhood."

Men should be looking for such qualities in the women they date. They should plan dates that provide opportunity for these qualities to be proven.

In reality, the sequence for getting to know and falling in love with someone has become totally skewed. Where a relationship should look like this-->

it quite often is the opposite, and that leads to problems down the road. The healthiest order of relationship development is Dating -> Courtship -> Engagement -> Marriage.

A perfect love is the love that combines all four of the greek translations of the word:

Storge - The least discriminating kind of love. The love of affection.

Philia - The kind of love that exists between friends.

Eros - Romantic love between a man and woman. It is more than a desire for sex, though it is included. It is longing to be with a particular person, thinking about them.

Agape - Christlike love. Acting for the well-being of someone else, regardless of whether you like them or not.

(Marriage & Family The Quest for Intimacy by Lauer and Lauer)

If you follow smart dating practices and find someone for whom you feel all of these kinds of love, I'd suggest sticking with that person. Chances are, you'll live a lot happier ever after than your favorite fairy tale couple.

The End.

Zero Population - NOT the answer, my friends!

There's an old song from Saturday's Warrior that argues the world is getting smaller and zero population is the answer to saving the world's resources. Many of the trends that we see in families today suggest that society at large agrees-even though there is good research that proves otherwise. Even if not for the same reasons as those listed in the song, values and patterns pertaining to the family are not what they used to be.

In the last 40-50 years:

premarital sex       has gone UP

unwed pregnancy  has gone UP

cohabitation          has gone UP

delayed marriage  has gone UP

delayed parenting  has gone UP

people living alone has gone UP

divorce rates        have gone UP

number of employed mothers (with children 6 and under) has gone DOWN

household size has gone DOWN

{Marriage & Family by Lauer and Lauer}

See any correlations between any of these?

What do these trends say to you?

In my opinion, they all stem from a characteristic that has (again-in my opinion) become all too common among people today. It's a characteristic that we're not proud to own up to, which is perhaps why so many people don't own up to it or take the responsibility of changing it in themselves.

Selfishness.

And justification for our selfishness.

Do you disagree? If so, that's okay. We can agree to disagree. But I have President Spencer W. Kimball backing me up. "It all comes back to one word, doesn't it: Selfishness" (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 313). :)  I can think of an example for every one of the above trends and how it stems from selfishness on the part of one or both persons involved in the relationship and I'll bet you can too if you think about it.

Here's one example: Premarital sex and Cohabitation. I'm going to lump these two together for a moment. I remember someone asking my brother and his then-fiancé when she found out they weren't living together and they were waiting until after they were married to have sex, "but how do you know it's going to work?" She had a point. I mean, what if my brother was one to leave the shower curtain open, or his soon-to-be-wife hogged all the blankets? And what about the sex?? Everyone knows that's a very important part of the marriage relationship, what if two people have different likes and dislikes? See where the justification sneaks in? It almost seems irresponsible and illogical to NOT live and sleep together first. But here's something to think about... which of these things can't be remedied with a little communication and selflessness? How hard is it to say, "Sweetie, if it doesn't matter to you, could you try to remember to close the shower curtain when you're done? It looks nicer and it won't get so mildewy." It's not so hard to say and shouldn't be too hard to forgive when he forgets. Better yet, it only takes a second to pull it closed yourself the next time you're in the bathroom. Now, you might say, "yeah, but the intimacy thing is pretty important." And you're absolutely right. There are issues that are important. Many of them should even be addressed before marriage, such as attitudes towards finances and religions and expectations of how the couple will work together as equal partners while fulfilling their individual roles. A good foundation for all of those issues can be worked out before marriage with good communication, except the intimacy one. To address this issue, I will turn to my friends Lamb and Brinley, whom I don't actually know at all-but I've read their book. It's called Between Husband & Wife and it's a great resource on the subject of marital intimacy. (Anyone else always look at the word 'marital' and initially think of 'martial' as in 'martial arts,' or is that just me? Anyway.) It says, "One of the great challenges surrounding the sexual experience relates to the fact that husbands and wives often have very different perspectives about sex... but [these problems] can be overcome as the husband and wife work together to find the ways to provide a positive and fulfilling experience for one another." They give more advise and wisdom on the subject later in their book, but I'll let you read it.

I would like to point out, too, that love and "making it work" comes down to our choices. We choose to love someone. We choose to marry them. We choose to stay with them. We choose to make their happiness our priority. All choices have consequences. The consequence of putting our spouse and family first is a happy family life. I choose that because my family is the only thing that will bring me eternal joy and happiness.
{Side note: I really like Sara Bareilles' song, 'I Choose You'. Have you heard it?}

Amazing things happen when you prayerfully go and do. You know? There I was, "anxiously engaged," looking for something worthwhile to share with you, and I hit the jackpot. So here it is. President Spencer W. Kimball gave an address called Oneness in Marriage. He shares the "never-failing formula which will guarantee to every couple a happy and eternal marriage."

"The formula is simple.

First there must be the proper approach toward marriage...

Second, there must be a great unselfishness... [See! I was right. I told you!]

Third, there must be continued courting and expressions of affection, kindness, and consideration to keep love alive and growing.

Fourth, the commandments of the Lord... must be lived completely.

With these ingredients properly mixed and continually kept functioning, it is quite impossible for unhappiness to come, misunderstandings to continue, or breaks to occur."

Read the full address. It can be applied to all areas of family life. President Kimball's words make sense not only to my head (logically) but to my heart and soul as well. This post has not at all been about what I initially planned on writing, but I hope it has become what the Lord wanted me to write and what He wanted me to gain from this week's class. I know that Satan is trying his darndest to thwart the unity and happiness of the family. He's had some victories, but I also know that he won't win in the end. "Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). I will quote that phrase a lot because I believe it with every ounce of myself. Heavenly Father cares about our relationships, especially our families. He will not allow Satan to win in the end. So will you and your family be on the winning side? I hope so.