By Divine Design

You've heard the saying that husbands and wives compliment and complete each other, right? Well, after what I learned a few weeks ago, I am more of a mind to believe it than ever. Forgive me for my absence. I assure you it is not because I wasn't learning some amazing stuff the last few weeks-because I have learned so much and have been so blessed by what I've learned! It's exciting.

For example, the things I learned about men and women's instinctive differences and how they impact our families for the better. It's stuff we all know to some degree or another, but until I thought about it in depth the way we did in class, I didn't realize how bodaciously awesome it is. People still use the word, bodacious, right?

Let's take a minute to talk about our non-physical differences. What are the more obvious ones?

Females are relationship focused. In general, they are better able to empathize than men. They listen and respond, verbalize, and are observant of others and their emotions. The female brain has more connective tissue which is why they seem to be thinking of everything and everyone at the same time.

Males, in general, are not so naturally great at those things, but are excellent in their own strengths. They're action focused-they take on and complete tasks with less distraction. Aha! My husband's always teasing that I need horse blinders when I tell a story because one thought leads to a million others and I have a tendency to stray from the original topic. Males have spatial orientation, which is why they understand north and south easier and we girls are much more comfortable with landmark directions. My husband is able to look at a basketball or football game on TV for a matter of seconds and he knows exactly what's going on, whereas I am rather lost for a while unless I've been watching the entire game. Men are also naturally more aggressive than women.

How do these differences help the family?

To begin, I refer to The Family: A Proclamation to the World:

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

Let's break it up.

Mothers are to: Nurture.

Fathers are to: Preside, Provide, and Protect.

Can you see how our male and female differences aid us in fulfilling these responsibilities?

A mother's ability to recognize and respond to the individual needs of each family member allows her to nurture the entire family the way she was divinely appointed to do.

A father's ability to focus on his work and then immediately switch gears to focus on his family as soon as he gets home allows him to provide the best he can, and preside with love and righteousness. A man's natural aggression makes him the perfect protector for his family.

SO COOL!!! Heavenly Father knew exactly what He was doing when He created us male and female and sent us to Earth in families. Not that we ever doubted that.

A classmate made the observation that if we (husbands and wives) were the same, we'd only be able to achieve mediocre. But together, with our differences, we can excel.

We are so much more together!

Often times we nag and pick on the opposite sex because they are different from us and frankly, we don't understand them sometimes. But those differences are exactly what make us the most powerful of partners when it comes to raising a family! So cherish and celebrate those differences!

Zero Population - NOT the answer, my friends!

There's an old song from Saturday's Warrior that argues the world is getting smaller and zero population is the answer to saving the world's resources. Many of the trends that we see in families today suggest that society at large agrees-even though there is good research that proves otherwise. Even if not for the same reasons as those listed in the song, values and patterns pertaining to the family are not what they used to be.

In the last 40-50 years:

premarital sex       has gone UP

unwed pregnancy  has gone UP

cohabitation          has gone UP

delayed marriage  has gone UP

delayed parenting  has gone UP

people living alone has gone UP

divorce rates        have gone UP

number of employed mothers (with children 6 and under) has gone DOWN

household size has gone DOWN

{Marriage & Family by Lauer and Lauer}

See any correlations between any of these?

What do these trends say to you?

In my opinion, they all stem from a characteristic that has (again-in my opinion) become all too common among people today. It's a characteristic that we're not proud to own up to, which is perhaps why so many people don't own up to it or take the responsibility of changing it in themselves.

Selfishness.

And justification for our selfishness.

Do you disagree? If so, that's okay. We can agree to disagree. But I have President Spencer W. Kimball backing me up. "It all comes back to one word, doesn't it: Selfishness" (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 313). :)  I can think of an example for every one of the above trends and how it stems from selfishness on the part of one or both persons involved in the relationship and I'll bet you can too if you think about it.

Here's one example: Premarital sex and Cohabitation. I'm going to lump these two together for a moment. I remember someone asking my brother and his then-fiancé when she found out they weren't living together and they were waiting until after they were married to have sex, "but how do you know it's going to work?" She had a point. I mean, what if my brother was one to leave the shower curtain open, or his soon-to-be-wife hogged all the blankets? And what about the sex?? Everyone knows that's a very important part of the marriage relationship, what if two people have different likes and dislikes? See where the justification sneaks in? It almost seems irresponsible and illogical to NOT live and sleep together first. But here's something to think about... which of these things can't be remedied with a little communication and selflessness? How hard is it to say, "Sweetie, if it doesn't matter to you, could you try to remember to close the shower curtain when you're done? It looks nicer and it won't get so mildewy." It's not so hard to say and shouldn't be too hard to forgive when he forgets. Better yet, it only takes a second to pull it closed yourself the next time you're in the bathroom. Now, you might say, "yeah, but the intimacy thing is pretty important." And you're absolutely right. There are issues that are important. Many of them should even be addressed before marriage, such as attitudes towards finances and religions and expectations of how the couple will work together as equal partners while fulfilling their individual roles. A good foundation for all of those issues can be worked out before marriage with good communication, except the intimacy one. To address this issue, I will turn to my friends Lamb and Brinley, whom I don't actually know at all-but I've read their book. It's called Between Husband & Wife and it's a great resource on the subject of marital intimacy. (Anyone else always look at the word 'marital' and initially think of 'martial' as in 'martial arts,' or is that just me? Anyway.) It says, "One of the great challenges surrounding the sexual experience relates to the fact that husbands and wives often have very different perspectives about sex... but [these problems] can be overcome as the husband and wife work together to find the ways to provide a positive and fulfilling experience for one another." They give more advise and wisdom on the subject later in their book, but I'll let you read it.

I would like to point out, too, that love and "making it work" comes down to our choices. We choose to love someone. We choose to marry them. We choose to stay with them. We choose to make their happiness our priority. All choices have consequences. The consequence of putting our spouse and family first is a happy family life. I choose that because my family is the only thing that will bring me eternal joy and happiness.
{Side note: I really like Sara Bareilles' song, 'I Choose You'. Have you heard it?}

Amazing things happen when you prayerfully go and do. You know? There I was, "anxiously engaged," looking for something worthwhile to share with you, and I hit the jackpot. So here it is. President Spencer W. Kimball gave an address called Oneness in Marriage. He shares the "never-failing formula which will guarantee to every couple a happy and eternal marriage."

"The formula is simple.

First there must be the proper approach toward marriage...

Second, there must be a great unselfishness... [See! I was right. I told you!]

Third, there must be continued courting and expressions of affection, kindness, and consideration to keep love alive and growing.

Fourth, the commandments of the Lord... must be lived completely.

With these ingredients properly mixed and continually kept functioning, it is quite impossible for unhappiness to come, misunderstandings to continue, or breaks to occur."

Read the full address. It can be applied to all areas of family life. President Kimball's words make sense not only to my head (logically) but to my heart and soul as well. This post has not at all been about what I initially planned on writing, but I hope it has become what the Lord wanted me to write and what He wanted me to gain from this week's class. I know that Satan is trying his darndest to thwart the unity and happiness of the family. He's had some victories, but I also know that he won't win in the end. "Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). I will quote that phrase a lot because I believe it with every ounce of myself. Heavenly Father cares about our relationships, especially our families. He will not allow Satan to win in the end. So will you and your family be on the winning side? I hope so.