Fatherhood Forever

I had to write a paper for class this week and I'd like to use it as my post. I used the article, Life Without Father by David Popenoe and I found it fascinating. It's not too long of a read, though it was adapted from his book, Life Without Father: Compelling New Evidence that Fatherhood and Marriage are Indispensable for the Good of Children and Society. You can get the book on Amazon for about 3 cents (like 4 or 5 bucks after shipping)!

Fatherhood

Satan’s attack on the family has society rather confused on the subject. Everything about the traditional family is being questioned, including the importance of a father’s influence.

Lessons from Life Without Father, by David Popenoe  - A paper adapted from his book of the same title.

In his paper, Professor David Popenoe explains the absence of fathers in the home and the impact their absence has on society. The first point Popenoe discussed was the difference between the reasons for and attitudes towards fatherlessness in modern times compared to earlier years. He said, “There was a time in the past when fatherlessness was far more common than it is today, but death was to blame, not divorce and out-of-wedlock births… Almost all of today’s fatherless children have fathers who are alive, well, and perfectly capable of shouldering the responsibilities of fatherhood.” Fathers are simply choosing not to fulfill their roles, rather than being unable to do so because of death or sickness. “The children of divorce and never-married mothers are less successful in life by almost every measure than the children of widowed mothers. The replacement of death by divorce as the prime cause of fatherlessness, then, is a monumental setback in the history of childhood.”

The absence of fathers in the home has powerfully negative affects on children, women, and yes-even the men themselves. In speaking of children, Popenoe said, “In my many years as a sociologist, I have found few other bodies of evidence that lean so much in one direction as this one: On the whole, two parents—a father and a mother—are better for a child than one parent.” Popenoe also explains that even though there are always exceptions, “such exceptions do not invalidate the rule any more than the fact that some three-pack-a-day smokers live to a ripe old age casts doubt on the dangers of cigarettes.” A father’s role is more than merely acting as a second adult in the home, though that is certainly one benefit. Fathers and mothers naturally have different strengths and when there is one of each in the home, they “offset each other's deficiencies and build on each other's strengths.” A father’s “unique qualities” are typically different from those of a mother, making their contributions-along with hers-vital to the success of complete family wellbeing. “What fathers do—their special parenting style—is not only highly complementary to what mothers do but is by all indications important in its own right for optimum childbearing.”

Women have endured many hardships due to the trending absence of fathers in the home. Aside from the obvious financial and emotional stresses of raising children alone, many women also face physical danger as a result of fatherlessness.

More than two-thirds of violence (assault, robbery and rape) against women is committed by unrelated acquaintances or strangers. As the number of unattached males in the population goes up, so does the incidence of violence toward women.

Or consider the fact that, of the violence toward women that is committed by intimates and other relatives, only 29 percent involves a current spouse, whereas 42 percent involves a close friend or partner and another 12 percent an ex-spouse.' As current spouses are replaced by nonspouses and exes, violence toward women increases.

In fact, marriage appears to be a strong safety factor for women. A satisfactory marriage between sexually faithful partners, especially when they are raising their own children, engenders fewer risks for violence than probably any other circumstance in which a woman could find herself. Recent surveys of violent-crime victimization have found that only 12.6 of every 1,000 married women fall victim to violence, compared with 43.9 of every 1,000 never-married women and 66.5 of every 1,000 divorced or separated women.

It may be surprising to some that it is not just women and children who suffer from fatherlessness. Popenoe says, “The world over, young and unattached young males have always been a cause for social concern. They can be a danger to themselves and to society. Young unattached men tend to be more aggressive, violent, promiscuous, and prone to substance abuse; they are also more likely to die prematurely through disease, accidents, or self-neglect. They make up the majority of deviants, delinquents, criminals, killers, drug users, vice lords, and miscreants of every kind.” He continues, “Family life--marriage and childrearing--is an extremely important civilizing force for men. It encourages them to develop those habits of character--including prudence, cooperativeness, honesty, trust and self-sacrifice--that can lead to achievement as an economic provider. Marriage also focuses male sexual energy. Having children typically impresses on men the importance of setting a good example.”

It’s no wonder then, that modern research continues to find more and more evidence that many of the social problems we face in the United States today leads back to the absence of fathers in the home. Why? “The latest and most authoritative review of the research concluded that children who grow up with only one of their biological parents (nearly always the mother) are twice as likely to drop out of high school, 2.5 times as likely to become teen mothers, and 1.4 times as likely to be idle--out of school and out of work--as children who grow up with both parents.” Popenoe provides numerous examples and data in his paper to support the idea that fatherlessness is a major cause of social problems in the U.S. He says, “Having a father at home is no guarantee that a youngster won’t commit a crime, but it appears to be an excellent form of protection. Sixty percent of America’s rapists, 72 percent of its adolescent murderers, and 70 percent of its long-term prison inmates come from fatherless homes.”

So, what can be done? Popenoe gives a range of suggestions for employers, religious leaders, family scholars and educators, counselors, legislators, and entertainers. He suggests a two-tier system for divorce that separates cases without minor children and marriages with children-the latter having stricter guidelines. Lastly, he states, “If we are to make progress toward a more just and humane society, we must reverse the tide that is pulling fathers apart from their families. Nothing is more important for our children or for our future as a nation.”

My Own Experience

                  I remember times growing up where interactions with my father brought me great comfort or taught me important lessons. When I was rather young, my family had to move from the house we were renting. I was told the owner was going to tear it down to build a new house. In my young mind, I pictured a wrecking ball knocking down the walls on top of us and feared we wouldn’t be moved out in time. I remember asking my dad if they would do that to us and he stopped what he was doing, squatted down to my level and pulled me into his arms before explaining that we were safe and no such thing would happen.

It’s impressive to me that even though my father had to work a lot to support our large family, his influence on me was just as great as my mother’s, and sometimes greater, even though I spent much less time with him. Once I was late for curfew and I returned home to a note on my bed explaining his disappointment in not having me there for family prayer and not knowing I was safe at home before he had to retire for bed-he worked very early in the morning and couldn’t wait up for me. His simple concern and obvious love for me had a huge impact on me and turned my selfish teenage attitude outward to think of more than just myself.

My father’s good character always stuck out to me. He was a man I admired from a young age. My mother was a wonderful. Her influence is irreplaceable and I cherish and appreciate the things she taught me pertaining to the gospel and every day life lessons, but somehow, there was something about my dad that made his opinions, input, advice and time with me weigh so very much and I believe it’s the divine gift that fathers have to be a role model for their children. Again, when I was young, my father and I had run an errand and when we returned to the car to go home, we found that it wouldn’t start. My dad tried a few different things but nothing worked, including prayer. We walked to a nearby food place to use the phone and then walked back to the car to wait for someone to come. As we were walking back, I had the thought that we should try starting the car again. After all my dad’s efforts, I was expecting him to disregard my suggestion. I was a child, after all. But my dad didn’t even hesitate before saying, “if you feel that we should, we will.” Even though the car still did not magically start from that attempt, I learned from that small experience that my dad valued and trusted me, and I could trust him with anything.

Fatherhood in My Future

Not only was I blessed to have a wonderful father growing up, I have married an incredible man whose own father is another great example and influence. So far, my husband and I have four young children and we have witnessed the power of his influence in their lives. There have been times when he’s been home less due to work schedules and I’ve seen the void that my children feel when he’s gone. One of the first things they ask him each day is, “Do you come home dark or bright?” With his ever-changing work schedule, they have grown accustomed to him being gone either in the mornings or evenings. To them, his coming home “bright” is more desirable as it seems that they get to spend more time with him then. On the nights when he’s at work, the last thing they always ask when I tuck them into bed is, “Will you tell dad to give us a kiss when he gets home?” They know they’ll be asleep, but just the comfort of knowing he’ll check in on them is real.

We have tried to follow the examples we had growing up of having regular family home evenings, family scripture study and prayer, and lots of family time together either in the garden, running errands, camping, fishing, working, serving, and playing. There is nothing so wonderful as when I find my children wrestling their dad or playing silly games with him. President Harold B. Lee said, “The most important of the Lord’s work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own homes” (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Harold B. Lee, Chapter 14). My husband and I are not perfect parents, but we are continually learning and trying to be better, more like our Father in Heaven who is the ultimate example of perfect parenting. I know that the righteous and worthy influence of my husband is vital to the wellbeing of my children. I know that the same can be said for every father. President Ezra Taft Benson said, “Fathers, yours is an eternal calling from which you are never released… and its importance transcends time. It is a calling for both time and eternity” (To the Fathers in Israel, October 1987).

By Divine Design

You've heard the saying that husbands and wives compliment and complete each other, right? Well, after what I learned a few weeks ago, I am more of a mind to believe it than ever. Forgive me for my absence. I assure you it is not because I wasn't learning some amazing stuff the last few weeks-because I have learned so much and have been so blessed by what I've learned! It's exciting.

For example, the things I learned about men and women's instinctive differences and how they impact our families for the better. It's stuff we all know to some degree or another, but until I thought about it in depth the way we did in class, I didn't realize how bodaciously awesome it is. People still use the word, bodacious, right?

Let's take a minute to talk about our non-physical differences. What are the more obvious ones?

Females are relationship focused. In general, they are better able to empathize than men. They listen and respond, verbalize, and are observant of others and their emotions. The female brain has more connective tissue which is why they seem to be thinking of everything and everyone at the same time.

Males, in general, are not so naturally great at those things, but are excellent in their own strengths. They're action focused-they take on and complete tasks with less distraction. Aha! My husband's always teasing that I need horse blinders when I tell a story because one thought leads to a million others and I have a tendency to stray from the original topic. Males have spatial orientation, which is why they understand north and south easier and we girls are much more comfortable with landmark directions. My husband is able to look at a basketball or football game on TV for a matter of seconds and he knows exactly what's going on, whereas I am rather lost for a while unless I've been watching the entire game. Men are also naturally more aggressive than women.

How do these differences help the family?

To begin, I refer to The Family: A Proclamation to the World:

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

Let's break it up.

Mothers are to: Nurture.

Fathers are to: Preside, Provide, and Protect.

Can you see how our male and female differences aid us in fulfilling these responsibilities?

A mother's ability to recognize and respond to the individual needs of each family member allows her to nurture the entire family the way she was divinely appointed to do.

A father's ability to focus on his work and then immediately switch gears to focus on his family as soon as he gets home allows him to provide the best he can, and preside with love and righteousness. A man's natural aggression makes him the perfect protector for his family.

SO COOL!!! Heavenly Father knew exactly what He was doing when He created us male and female and sent us to Earth in families. Not that we ever doubted that.

A classmate made the observation that if we (husbands and wives) were the same, we'd only be able to achieve mediocre. But together, with our differences, we can excel.

We are so much more together!

Often times we nag and pick on the opposite sex because they are different from us and frankly, we don't understand them sometimes. But those differences are exactly what make us the most powerful of partners when it comes to raising a family! So cherish and celebrate those differences!

Zero Population - NOT the answer, my friends!

There's an old song from Saturday's Warrior that argues the world is getting smaller and zero population is the answer to saving the world's resources. Many of the trends that we see in families today suggest that society at large agrees-even though there is good research that proves otherwise. Even if not for the same reasons as those listed in the song, values and patterns pertaining to the family are not what they used to be.

In the last 40-50 years:

premarital sex       has gone UP

unwed pregnancy  has gone UP

cohabitation          has gone UP

delayed marriage  has gone UP

delayed parenting  has gone UP

people living alone has gone UP

divorce rates        have gone UP

number of employed mothers (with children 6 and under) has gone DOWN

household size has gone DOWN

{Marriage & Family by Lauer and Lauer}

See any correlations between any of these?

What do these trends say to you?

In my opinion, they all stem from a characteristic that has (again-in my opinion) become all too common among people today. It's a characteristic that we're not proud to own up to, which is perhaps why so many people don't own up to it or take the responsibility of changing it in themselves.

Selfishness.

And justification for our selfishness.

Do you disagree? If so, that's okay. We can agree to disagree. But I have President Spencer W. Kimball backing me up. "It all comes back to one word, doesn't it: Selfishness" (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 313). :)  I can think of an example for every one of the above trends and how it stems from selfishness on the part of one or both persons involved in the relationship and I'll bet you can too if you think about it.

Here's one example: Premarital sex and Cohabitation. I'm going to lump these two together for a moment. I remember someone asking my brother and his then-fiancé when she found out they weren't living together and they were waiting until after they were married to have sex, "but how do you know it's going to work?" She had a point. I mean, what if my brother was one to leave the shower curtain open, or his soon-to-be-wife hogged all the blankets? And what about the sex?? Everyone knows that's a very important part of the marriage relationship, what if two people have different likes and dislikes? See where the justification sneaks in? It almost seems irresponsible and illogical to NOT live and sleep together first. But here's something to think about... which of these things can't be remedied with a little communication and selflessness? How hard is it to say, "Sweetie, if it doesn't matter to you, could you try to remember to close the shower curtain when you're done? It looks nicer and it won't get so mildewy." It's not so hard to say and shouldn't be too hard to forgive when he forgets. Better yet, it only takes a second to pull it closed yourself the next time you're in the bathroom. Now, you might say, "yeah, but the intimacy thing is pretty important." And you're absolutely right. There are issues that are important. Many of them should even be addressed before marriage, such as attitudes towards finances and religions and expectations of how the couple will work together as equal partners while fulfilling their individual roles. A good foundation for all of those issues can be worked out before marriage with good communication, except the intimacy one. To address this issue, I will turn to my friends Lamb and Brinley, whom I don't actually know at all-but I've read their book. It's called Between Husband & Wife and it's a great resource on the subject of marital intimacy. (Anyone else always look at the word 'marital' and initially think of 'martial' as in 'martial arts,' or is that just me? Anyway.) It says, "One of the great challenges surrounding the sexual experience relates to the fact that husbands and wives often have very different perspectives about sex... but [these problems] can be overcome as the husband and wife work together to find the ways to provide a positive and fulfilling experience for one another." They give more advise and wisdom on the subject later in their book, but I'll let you read it.

I would like to point out, too, that love and "making it work" comes down to our choices. We choose to love someone. We choose to marry them. We choose to stay with them. We choose to make their happiness our priority. All choices have consequences. The consequence of putting our spouse and family first is a happy family life. I choose that because my family is the only thing that will bring me eternal joy and happiness.
{Side note: I really like Sara Bareilles' song, 'I Choose You'. Have you heard it?}

Amazing things happen when you prayerfully go and do. You know? There I was, "anxiously engaged," looking for something worthwhile to share with you, and I hit the jackpot. So here it is. President Spencer W. Kimball gave an address called Oneness in Marriage. He shares the "never-failing formula which will guarantee to every couple a happy and eternal marriage."

"The formula is simple.

First there must be the proper approach toward marriage...

Second, there must be a great unselfishness... [See! I was right. I told you!]

Third, there must be continued courting and expressions of affection, kindness, and consideration to keep love alive and growing.

Fourth, the commandments of the Lord... must be lived completely.

With these ingredients properly mixed and continually kept functioning, it is quite impossible for unhappiness to come, misunderstandings to continue, or breaks to occur."

Read the full address. It can be applied to all areas of family life. President Kimball's words make sense not only to my head (logically) but to my heart and soul as well. This post has not at all been about what I initially planned on writing, but I hope it has become what the Lord wanted me to write and what He wanted me to gain from this week's class. I know that Satan is trying his darndest to thwart the unity and happiness of the family. He's had some victories, but I also know that he won't win in the end. "Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). I will quote that phrase a lot because I believe it with every ounce of myself. Heavenly Father cares about our relationships, especially our families. He will not allow Satan to win in the end. So will you and your family be on the winning side? I hope so.

Relying on Research: Do you know what you're relying on?

Here's what I learned in class this week: Just because something says it is backed by research doesn't mean it is true or correct!

This week we analyzed Loren Marks' article, Same-sex parenting and children’s outcomes: A closer examination of the American psychological association’s brief on lesbian and gay parenting. 

It was FASCINATING as well as TERRIFYING. It was fascinating to analyze the material and find out the truth behind what was being compared and sampled in the 59 research accounts that supposedly proved children of same-sex parents are at no disadvantage from those raised by a married mother and father. It was terrifying to think that we allowed something so blatantly false to manipulate and influence so many of us, including members of the US Supreme Court. I won't give you all the details of what I learned was wrong with the APA's brief. We talked about it for an hour and a half in my class and probably could have analyzed and talked about it even longer. 

If you're up for it, I highly encourage you to do your own research on the subject. Read the article. Compare the APA's research findings to those of Dr. Regnerus' New Family Structure Study. Make your opinions after you make yourself informed with correct information. Don't just take my word for it. 

Here's an article that explains what I learned about the APA brief today from analyzing Marks' article. It's helpful since reading formal publications can be kind of tricky. 

Here's another one that discusses both the work of Loren Marks and Dr. Regnerus.

How often do we let wrong information 

become the basis for our opinions and beliefs? 

I can think of other subjects where we've done the same thing, can you?

When you read articles or claims on Facebook, the internet, the newspaper, etc, do you automatically accept everything that is said without a knowledge that it's correct? I know I've been guilty of that in the past and that's what my eyes have been opened to this week. I hope yours will be too so that together, we can start making better decisions, forming better opinions, sharing better ideas-ones that are informed, on purpose, and good.

I have a favorite quote from Elder Ballard that has brought me comfort and confidence many times. “We often state the couplet, ‘Be in the world but not of the world.’ As we observe television shows that make profanity, violence, and infidelity commonplace and even glamorous, we often wish we could lock out the world in some way and isolate our families from it all. … Perhaps we should state the couplet previously mentioned as two separate admonitions. First, ‘Be in the world.’ Be involved; be informed. Try to be understanding and tolerant and to appreciate diversity. Make meaningful contributions to society through service and involvement. Second, ‘Be not of the world.’ Do not follow wrong paths or bend to accommodate or accept what is not right. … [We] need to influence more than we are influenced. We should work to stem the tide of sin and evil instead of passively being swept along by it. We each need to help solve the problem rather than avoid or ignore it” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1989, 100–101; or Ensign, May 1989, 80).