A Welcome Message

It's a great big world we live in. And yet-it's a small world (after all). There are so many different cultures and opinions and theories and beliefs, but there is one thing that exists among them all, and that is FAMILY.


I firmly believe that "the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children" (The Family: A Proclamation to the World).

On this blog, I'll share information from my classes, experiences from my own life, thoughts and feelings from my heart-all on the subject of FAMILY.

Showing posts with label family theories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family theories. Show all posts

Monday, May 18, 2015

My Family System

Remember how one of the main points of the Family Systems Theory is that the whole is larger than the sum of its parts? Well we were given an assignment to come up with a metaphor to represent our family. I came up with an orchestra for my family.


My dad is the stage. He's in the background, but provides for his children just as a stage provides a place for an orchestra to perform. He's made of a strong, sturdy foundation of good character, integrity, and testimony.

My mom is the composer. She works behind the scenes to make life the best it can be for us children. She's not always pleased with the way we interpret some things in life, but she's always there to show her love and support of our efforts anyway.

Rebekah is the 1st violin section. She is talented, intelligent, has strong opinions and preferences, and is always working to be her best.

Ammon is the bass section. He's the protective big brother and a strong steady support in the family. He's always willing to host or help others and gives good, logical advise.

Elann is the conductor. I know everyone would expect this to be one of the parents' roles, but Elann is always managing multiple projects, callings, and her nine busy children. She's also the one that many of us look to for an objective point of view when we're lost in our frustrations. She encourages peace and harmony among all the family members.

Steven is the cello section. He's mellow and soft spoken but daring and adventurous like a cello solo. He's always looking on the bright side and is everything good and wholesome.

Lora is the viola section. She's the bridge between the big kids and the little kids. She takes pride in being her own person with very specific ways of doing things, but she is constant and successful as a wife, mother, teacher and musician.

Seth is the percussion section. He makes things fancy with a matter of fact attitude. His emotions ring out loud and clear. He's creative and confident and a hard worker.

I am the woodwind section. I love and live a simple life just like the simple, clear tones of the oboe. But just like the woodwinds have a wide range from high to low notes and instruments, I am able to get along with all of my siblings because of the time I've spent with their families.

Samuel is the brass section. He demands a lot of attention just like the sharp notes of the brass instruments, and yet he's enjoyable to be around. He's intelligent, considers all variations, and tries lots of new things.

Anna is the harp. Not only does she play the harp beautifully in real life, but she is soft and kind. She is a true introvert, but surprises us with striking insights and glissandos of humor.

Andrew is the 2nd violin section. Last but not least, he's an important member of the family. He looks up to the rest of us but has his own unique harmony to contribute. He has an enthusiasm and love for life and family that makes him valuable.

Each of us can play alone, but when you put us all together working cohesively, we perform wonderful music, memories, and good deeds.


Now, that's my family. What about yours? What can your family be likened to? What role do you play in your family? Are there any important members missing and if so, who has filled their role?
How are the relationships between the individuals or between the different sub-systems of your family? How do these relationships contribute to patterns in the family? What will you do to change the worst patterns and keep the best?

Brother Williams kept saying something in class this week in regards to family patterns and cultures that I totally love:

Borrow the Best and Learn from the Rest

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

First Things First

Last week we learned about theories. Specifically, family theories. 

For example, here are some concepts from two of my favorite family theories:

Family Systems Theory
 - the whole is larger than the sum of its parts
 - everyone has a role to play
 - families are driven by rules
 - circular causality

Symbolic Interactions Theory
 - perception of individuals
 - we're always communicating, though sometimes not what we mean to
 - we form meaning based on our perception of interactions

How can theories help families?
Consider the following scenario. Overall, Dean and Janet are happily married. However, Janet has been so upset with Dean lately. It seems as though he's been deliberately doing or neglecting simple things just to frustrate her. For instance, Janet is always the one who has to replace the empty toilet paper roll, so the last time she noticed it empty, she decided to leave it and make him take care of it. The next day, it was still empty, but Janet refused to change it. She noticed she had a hard time being more than civil with Dean that day. The next day, it was still empty! And Janet finally snapped. She tore into Dean about how lazy and inconsiderate he was. Dean sat stunned, and when he asked Janet where this was all coming from, she took it as an unwillingness to take responsibility for his neglect and stormed off fuming. Feeling confused, guilty, and a little defensive, Dean kept his distance the rest of the night and the rest of the week because he didn't want to be accused of anything else he wasn't aware of. Janet noticed Dean's distance, considered it an action of his guilt, and became more and more infuriated with him as the days went on.....

Sometimes, more than one theory can come into play for one situation. This one, I believe, uses both Family Systems and Symbolic Interactions Theory to understand what's happening. Do you see the circular causality that's happening? Janet feels Dean has been neglectful, so she accuses him of being lazy -> Dean feels attacked for doing nothing wrong, so he distances himself -> Janet notices his distance and feels even more neglected. Each of their perceptions affects their actions and feelings toward the other person. Janet perceives an empty toilet paper roll that Dean refuses to replace. Dean perceives Janet attacking him for no reason. But what can the couple do to understand their situation?

Our teacher, Brother Williams, quoted something that he first heard from Elder Harold B. Lee - "We need to communicate so we cannot be misunderstood."

Now let's rewind a little and change the initial interaction between Janet and Dean. Janet approaches Dean and says, "Dean, why don't you replace the toilet paper roll in the bathroom? I feel like I'm always the one doing it." Dean looks at her a little stunned at first, then with a look of realization. "Oh," he says, "I didn't know it was empty. I haven't used that bathroom in a little while. I usually use the hall bathroom just because it's closer."

Do you see the difference? Understanding that Dean's neglectfulness and Janet's accusations were not what was actually hurting the relationship, or at least not the core of the problem, helps family therapists (or anyone who's trying to help) get to the root of what is actually the problem. In this case, Janet and Dean were not clearly communicating with each other. They were communicating-it's impossible not to-but they were not communicating what they actually felt or perceived and therefore perplexed the situation more.

What kinds of misunderstandings have you been in that have caused a strain on that relationship for even a short period of time? Looking back now, what could you have done differently to avoid or remedy the misunderstanding?